The Lode https://mtulode.com The Student News Site of Michigan Technological University Thu, 09 Dec 2021 17:24:20 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=5.8.2 Highly anticipated aliens finally visited: Gone again after one Wads dinner https://mtulode.com/5229/the-lewd/highly-anticipated-aliens-finally-visited-gone-again-after-one-wads-dinner/ https://mtulode.com/5229/the-lewd/highly-anticipated-aliens-finally-visited-gone-again-after-one-wads-dinner/#comments Thu, 09 Dec 2021 05:00:52 +0000 https://mtulode.com/?p=5229 As our culture melds ever faster into the galactic soup singularity, some of our most recent visitors found themselves out of sorts when they sat down for a diplomatic meal. Fearing interplanetary conflict, officials immediately capitulated when our alien allies demanded access to Earth-grown food. Initially confused as a warlike demand for tribute, many were pleased to find that the aliens just wanted to try a bunch of stuff.

The interaction began simply enough in the Wadsworth dining hall; food was served, seats taken, pleasantries exchanged. After a few bites, however, the sentiment was clear. It was, in fact, the first time the concept of pure repugnance was ever communicated between the two species. It was shortly following the start of the meal that the entire posse swiftly fled.

The highly capable aliens of our universe are well known for their low standards in eating habits. I mean, no species of picky eaters ever did that well for themselves, did they? No, these mean mugs eat actual gruel on a regular basis. They are winners. Not to be shaken by some off-color meat or dubious milk. Apparently, this meal was not merely off-putting.

Suffice it to say, it was a Tuesday evening late into March, and the food was not at its highest quality, but I repeat myself.

While some offer this unfortunate timing as explanation for the lack of quality, many can’t explain why the event seems to have expelled the creatures from every corner of the earth. And, man, they sure left in a hurry. No 30-minute conversation on the way out the door. Nothing.

Researchers have been working closely with Tech dining officials to isolate the precise mechanism which so effectively repelled the aliens.

For months, the spectre of cryptids (and other related half-fantasies) had bore down upon the surface-dwelling class as nothing short of the ultimate threat. Now, however, global hope abounds. Not to mention, business is downright booming out the back of Wadsworth as world governments seek to similarly eradicate their borders of cryptids with a new light of (repulsive) faith: Wads dining hall food.

 

 

 

The Lewd is a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. It’s meant to help editors, writers, and photographers have fun and relieve stress. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.

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Hermit, believed to be missing found in front of Wadsworth Hall https://mtulode.com/5212/the-lewd/hermit-believed-to-be-missing-found-in-front-of-wadsworth-hall/ https://mtulode.com/5212/the-lewd/hermit-believed-to-be-missing-found-in-front-of-wadsworth-hall/#respond Thu, 09 Dec 2021 05:00:48 +0000 https://mtulode.com/?p=5212 At 4:20 pm yesterday afternoon Public Safety received a call from Lossann Foun who reported that a missing person had been spotted just outside the front entrance to Wadsworth Hall. “When I initially got the call I was absolutely bewildered!” exclaimed Hans Cuff, the officer who received the call, “I mean we hadn’t had leads on this case for weeks, and then all of a sudden, it’s like BAM! There he is!” The missing person was described to be “paler than an albino polar bear” and had facial hair tangled in a way that was “straight out of Season 3 of Duck Dynasty.”  According to witness reports, the student appeared “more confused than your typical Northern Student” and gave off an aroma that “made a McNair boy’s bathroom smell like a fresh can of Febreeze.” 

When Public Safety arrived on the scene, they confirmed the student was in fact Herm Issac-Thomas, a second-year student that had been reported missing since August 28th. While the investigation is still ongoing, it is believed that Herm I.T. had not left his room in Wadsworth Hall until just moments before he was discovered. When detectives entered the room they found over 300 empty Cup O’ Noodles (shrimp flavored), 80 two-Liter bottles of Mt. Dew Baja Blast, one boxer brief (slightly used), three socks (definitely used), a PC laptop, and a spotless state-of-the-art Secretlab Titan Evo 2022 Black™ gaming chair. 

“I’m impressed that Herm was able to pull it off.” Detective Khan Fusion reported in his investigative findings “I’ve seen cases of students spending two or three months in the room, but four is almost a new record. That’s the longest since Ben Dereawhile lasted from Spring of ‘77 to the Fall of ‘79.” After being reprimanded by Public Safety and clearing up the situation, Herm didn’t take much more time until he scampered back into the confines of Wadsworth Hall, but the officers on site were able to get one key piece of information from him. “When we asked him why he left. We really weren’t expecting an answer.” Khan Fusion exclaimed, “but we got something! Someone had recently told him that the sky had turned purple back in October and it was time that he had a look for himself!”

 

Author’s Notes: Public Safety is still currently on the lookout for one additional missing persons. Anyone who knows the whereabouts of a certain well-known and well-overpaid administrator encouraged to come forward with any information they have. 

 

 

 

 

The Lewd is a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. It’s meant to help editors, writers, and photographers have fun and relieve stress. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.

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What’s up with comedians starring in animated movies? https://mtulode.com/5203/the-lewd/whats-up-with-comedians-starring-in-animated-movies/ https://mtulode.com/5203/the-lewd/whats-up-with-comedians-starring-in-animated-movies/#respond Thu, 09 Dec 2021 05:00:38 +0000 https://mtulode.com/?p=5203 The Bee Movie is the bee’s knees. It has everything a film could ever need, from romance and action to comedy and horror. TV networks like BeeNN and ABeeC play this movie every night, much to the beelight of everyone. No other movie protagonists come close in charisma and heroism to the savior of beekind: Jerry Seinfeld. 

This masterpiece starts on Jerry Seinfeld’s graduation day. Seinfeld is fortunate enough to earn straight Bs in school, so he moves onto honey production. While on a pollen trip, he comes across the love interest and falls for her. When Seinfeld realizes his precious honey is being endorsed by Goodfella Ray Liotta, he fights for the beegality of owning all the honey in the world. 

The timeless debate of whether bees should own the trademark to celebrity endorsed honey is explored here. Beelieve it or not, this is a topical debate with the market. As climate change wipes out natural habitats, bees will need more ways to make cash.

Additionally, the timeless jokes don’t get tiresome at all, especially if you’re a fan of bee puns. Seinfeld’s delivery is inspiring, to say the beest. 

The Bee Movie is beeutifully crafted to cater to any audience. If you like jazz, tennis, Ray Liotta, and bee puns, you’ll be buzzing in your seat.   

 

 

 

The Lewd is a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. It’s meant to help editors, writers, and photographers have fun and relieve stress. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.

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Things to do, now that you hate your life https://mtulode.com/5198/the-lewd/things-to-do-now-that-you-hate-your-life/ https://mtulode.com/5198/the-lewd/things-to-do-now-that-you-hate-your-life/#respond Thu, 09 Dec 2021 05:00:37 +0000 https://mtulode.com/?p=5198 Searching for an activity to pass the time when you’re not questioning your existence during finals week? Look no further.

 

Free Activities

  • Wallow in self-pity
  • Ruminate
  • Practice origami with old copies of The Lewd
  • Walk into the portage
  • Sleep, but don’t sleep
  • Lose all sense of object permanence 
  • Gaslight
  • Gatekeep
  • Girlboss
  • Listen to Taylor Swift
  • Search for bigfoot
  • Dissociate
  • Borrow a City of Houghton/Hancock construction sign 
  • Cry
  • Do your homework
  • Don’t do your homework
  • Use a unpopular satire paper as kindling for your next campfire
  • Have an existential crisis (or two)
  • Live vicariously through someone else 
  • Feel something
  • Feel nothing
  • Sell someone else’s soul to the devil
  • Work on your fine motor skills
  • Discover a new COVID variant 
  • Vibe

 

Low Cost Activities

  • Overeat
  • Undereat
  • Eat
  • Get really into crystals
  • Go thrifting with your bestie
  • Buy and apply deodorant 
  • Get a mullet
  • Dye your hair
  • Dye your friend’s hair
  • Take out an ad in The Lode
  • BAJA BLAST
  • Put a few quarters in a parking meter and watch the time go by

 

High Cost Activities

  • Attend Michigan Tech
  • Pay my tuition (pls)
  • Liver transplant 
  • Get into a car accident waiting to cross the Lift Bridge 
  • Endure a lifetime of debt after one ER visit
  • Buy a non-student season pass to Mont Ripley
  • Purchase some insulin
  • Sell your soul to the devil

 

Activities for our 21+ Friends

  • Full send the margarita tower at La Cantina
  • Drown your sorrows in a glass of Red Ridge at the KBC 
  • Go to the club with Maia
  • Play beer pong in someone’s basement 
  • Have some guy buy your girlfriend a Long Island at the Dog
  • Become dazed and confused 

 

 

 

The Lewd is a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. It’s meant to help editors, writers, and photographers have fun and relieve stress. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.

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New Grammarly Premium a good tool for any student https://mtulode.com/5208/the-lewd/5208/ https://mtulode.com/5208/the-lewd/5208/#respond Thu, 09 Dec 2021 05:00:33 +0000 https://mtulode.com/?p=5208 Grammarly Premium has been available to Tech students for a while now giving you the tools you need to be a great writer Gramarlalyy Prime allows users too not only catch grammar and spelling mistakes but write more concise effective sentences as well With Gramerwee you’re writing skills are sure to improve in big and small ways 

With Grampaly no longer will you need to guess how to spell ‘worsterchire’ or ‘congregulations’ it does the work for you Use Garanadaly with anything you write from emails to class papers to angry teacher evaluations 

Can’t remember the comma rules Gramartie can help Rushing to write your term paper before the semester ends GrandTraverseBayLeaf can help Writing a satirical review of an unnamed writing assistant will probably get in the way to be honest seriously how many misspellings of Grammarly can there be I can’t use punctuation how does this even fit in the theme

I wasn’t paying attention to where these go so I’m just putting them here do it yourself and stop expecting me to do everything for you: ,.,,.,,.,,.?.,.???,..

 

 

 

The Lewd is a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. It’s meant to help editors, writers, and photographers have fun and relieve stress. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.

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Dear Girlboss: Someone in my org is not human https://mtulode.com/5232/the-lewd/someone-in-my-org-is-not-human/ https://mtulode.com/5232/the-lewd/someone-in-my-org-is-not-human/#respond Thu, 09 Dec 2021 05:00:31 +0000 https://mtulode.com/?p=5232 Dear Girlboss,

I am concerned that a member of my student organization is not human. She has many strange behaviors. First of all, I always find her hiding food in weird places. I’ve never seen her actually eat food before. She also consumes an excessive amount of water, and keeps the empty bottles as if it is some sort of earthly souvenir. Beyond this, she also likes to steal things. She will often take my pens and look at them with a strange sense of wonder, as if she has never seen one before. 

At a party one night, when the rest of us were consuming adult beverages, this person decided to drink vegetable oil. Yes, you heard that right. She filled a shot glass with corn oil and downed it faster than I’ve ever seen a person drink. It was almost as if her extraterrestrial form could not quite survive on Earth without an exorbitant amount of unsaturated fats. 

She also doesn’t speak that much. When she does, however, it’s often difficult to decipher. Her words do not quite match those of any language I’ve heard before. At times, we’ve found her sitting at her desk, mumbling phrases that could only be demonic in origin. Sometimes, she’ll go hours without speaking, only to lurch out of her seat to exclaim something without any context.

While she is mostly passive in nature, at times, she can become violent. I think this happens when she has not gotten her daily allotment of oil. When entering her fits of rage, she will find the nearest piece of fruit and immediately hurl it at her source of anger. Something that makes her especially angry is when you talk about her. You cannot say her name, which is why I haven’t done so in this article. You can’t refer to her by name — you can only refer to her as a force. 

If you happen to get locked in her gaze, beware. It’s a look both terrifying and mystical in origin. It feels as if she is plotting your death. She’s not always scary, however. She sleeps a lot, and often in the most inopportune places. For example, we once found her unconscious in a recycling bin. 

I’ve been able to push this out of my mind for a long time, but I’m afraid I can no longer endure the psychological torture. She makes me question my own sanity. If I don’t get some answers now, I’m afraid she will drive me to an irrational state. 

She must be a cryptid — that is the only logical explanation. I hope the photo I attached helps; it’s pretty blurry, but she ends up blurry in every photo I take. Dear girlboss, what do I do?

 

Sincerely yours,

A very, very, very, very concerned RSO member

 

 

 

Hello concerned reader,

 

Your experience indicates that she might be some sort of lLizard cryptid. She might even be some sort of cat cryptid. Is she hairless? I’ve heard of a hairless cat that needs to be oiled everyday. This sounds very similar to your situation. Additionally, she hides things in weird places. This is typical cat behavior, is it not? Cats can also find enjoyment in many things, such as empty water bottles, plastic food wrapping, and other garbage. Speaking of garbage, she could also be some sort of garbage or trash cryptid. If this is the case, run far away. I am not one to advocate for human supremacy (cryptids are our friends) but trash cryptids are very, very dangerous. Stay safe, reader.

 

Sincerely,

Girlboss

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Lewd is a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. It’s meant to help editors, writers, and photographers have fun and relieve stress. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.

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Husky thots: winter break https://mtulode.com/5206/the-lewd/husky-thots-winter-break/ https://mtulode.com/5206/the-lewd/husky-thots-winter-break/#respond Thu, 09 Dec 2021 05:00:28 +0000 https://mtulode.com/?p=5206  

With the end of the semester right around the corner, we went around campus to ask students: “What are you most looking forward to over the winter break?” Here is what they had to say:

 

’m lookng forward to seeng my famly and all of my frends back home.  can’t wat to see what they have all been up to!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

—Mady wth no eyes

 

 

 

“Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

—Lizard Maia 

 

“01100111 01101001 01110010 01101100 01100010 01101111 01110011 01110011 00101100 00100000 01100111 01100001 01110100 01100101 01101011 01100101 01100101 01110000 00101100 00100000 01100111 01100001 01110011 01101100 01101001 01100111 01101000 01110100”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

—A CS project gone wrong

 

“What are you most looking forward to over the winter break?” 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

—I can’t remember 

 

“Not having to see anyone on The Lode staff”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

—Me

 

“Working on my batplane”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

—I’m Batman

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Police report https://mtulode.com/5194/the-lewd/police-report/ https://mtulode.com/5194/the-lewd/police-report/#comments Thu, 09 Dec 2021 05:00:28 +0000 https://mtulode.com/?p=5194

Photo by 5FTFLAME

 

 

 

Dean arrested on snack theft charges 

MTU’s Dean was arrested last Thursday on charges of theft in regards to snacks stolen at a recent Undergraduate Student Government (USG) meeting. Among the stolen items were candy, chocolate, and pretzels. Charges are likely to be dropped, and the dean was released on account of being a Really Nice Dude™

 

Meth Lab found in Fisher

Methamphetamines were recently found on MTU’s campus in Fisher Hall in what was formerly known as the Math Lab. Four crazy-smart chemistry students took over the room and changed the sign out front to indicate their new business. While the actions are technically illegal, Michigan Tech has turned a blind eye on account of the pure #tenacity displayed by these students. The College of Business praised the students for their entrepreneurship. The students are currently accepting applications for more Meth Lab coaches. 

 

Administrator wanted for fraud

A well-known and well-overpaid Michigan Tech administrator is currently wanted for questioning in a series of financial crimes on campus. The high-ranked administrator, who will not be named for privacy reasons, recently received a reasonable pay cut so that the university could reroute funding to its dying journalism minor. This individual then attempted to sell the MEEM on Craigslist, to make up for his pay cut. When police raided his office, he ran away, ripping off his suit to reveal that he had actually been a skinwalker this entire time. He scaled the MEEM, jumped into the Portage, and was last seen scrambling up Quincy Hill. 

 

Police respond to pro-drunk driving rally

Michigan Tech Police responded to a protest this weekend on campus. Students organized against drunk driving rules and regulations implemented by the Michigan government. Students argued that anyone should have the right to drive as intoxicated as they want to, because that is their right by the Constitution to do so. “No laws should infringe on my freedoms, especially if it means protecting other people,” said one student who was wearing a “pro-life” t-shirt. 

 

Kraken attack on Lift Bridge

Emergency services responded to an incident on the Portage Lake Lift Bridge on Tuesday. Witnesses reported seeing a large, scaled tentacle reach out of the Portage and clasp onto the bridge, where it grabbed onto several construction vehicles that were performing maintenance on the bridge. After police questioning, the kraken admitted it had been angered by the ongoing bridge construction and wanted to retaliate. Charges are not likely to be filed, as no one was hurt, and no one can blame the kraken for being pissed off about the construction.

 

 

 

 

 

The Lewd is a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. It’s meant to help editors, writers, and photographers have fun and relieve stress. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.

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3 years ago in The Lewd: Emotional tapeworms are back, baby! https://mtulode.com/5192/the-lewd/3-years-ago-emotional-tapeworms-are-back-baby/ https://mtulode.com/5192/the-lewd/3-years-ago-emotional-tapeworms-are-back-baby/#respond Thu, 09 Dec 2021 05:00:20 +0000 https://mtulode.com/?p=5192 This article appeared three years ago in The Lewd. It was written by our pass girlboss leader, Maddie. We miss u. 

 

Emotional Support Tapeworms are making a much needed comeback in the world. Instead of going through the hassle and everyday struggle of having an emotional support dog, countless Americans are switching over to an Emotional Support Tapeworm. No more cleaning up dog poop, buying heavy bags of dog food, or fighting with your dog to get him to put on the tiny vest – a Tapeworm doesn’t need any of that! 

Since they live inside you, there is no mess to clean up and you don’t have to worry about feeding them. Just make sure to eat plenty of salty foods for you new best friend. 

There are a plethora of positive reasons why one should invest in a Emotional Support Tapeworm. First, they will literally always be with you! From the time you wake to the time you fall asleep, they will be there crawling around in your intestines just enjoying your presence. Also, they will grant you the ability to cancel any event you don’t want to go to! Emotional Support Tapeworms can’t help causing you nausea, diarrhea, weight loss, dizziness and abdominal pain, but you can certainly use that to your advantage. Don’t want to attend you sisters baby shower? Just tell her you have severe diarrhea from your Emotional Support Tapeworm!

Many uneducated people just don’t know the great, amazing things Emotional Support Tapeworms are capable of. They have stomachs on the outside of their bodies, how cool is that? They also have suction cups and grappling hooks on their heads so they can latch onto you organs for life. 

I know what everyone is thinking, what if my Emotional Support Tapeworm grows too big for my intestines? Well, sadly, there comes a time in everyone’s lives to let go of loved ones. However, a Tapeworms body is 90% reproductive organs, which means they will probably lay their eggs inside you at some point. So there’s no need to fret, because even if your Tapeworm grows too big and has to be removed, their eggs will live on inside you and sprout new baby Tapeworms. 

Say goodbye to the past, and hello to the new and improved Emotional Support Tapeworms. They have literally been around before dinosaurs, so they must be doing something right. 

 

 

 

 

The Lewd is a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. It’s meant to help editors, writers, and photographers have fun and relieve stress. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.

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Houghton City Council https://mtulode.com/5174/news/houghton-city-council-2/ https://mtulode.com/5174/news/houghton-city-council-2/#respond Thu, 02 Dec 2021 05:00:51 +0000 https://mtulode.com/?p=5174 Houghton City Council met on Dec. 1 to discuss civic developments.

The Lakeshore Center is undergoing repairs to its foundations, after a section of its dock collapsed into Portage Canal in August. In addition to repairs, the current ramp structure to the north is planned to be remodeled as a park space to match the new pier’s setting.

Parking continues to be heavily discussed, as City Manager Eric Waara brought up the current state. According to Waara, “Parking [in Houghton] is in flux.” It hasn’t been certain how the city is dealing with an increased demand for parking, especially for student tenants in town. Waara stated the issue is in current discussion within the municipality, including how to proceed with the large parking ramp along the lakeshore. 

Meanwhile, Michigan Municipal magazine praised the city’s pier project taking place between the Lakeshore Center and the Portage Library. Additionally, Lake Superior Magazine remarked on Houghton’s strong winter.

Finally, the City of Houghton Beautification Committee helped decorate the city for the holidays. This includes a giant, red bulb ornament in Bridgeview Park.

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